(All of the stories I tell in this post are true, and it was extremely difficult to relive them. I was given permission by the people in the stories to write about them and they are aware that I am posting this on a blog accessible to the public.)
They tell us that words can never hurt us. I disagree. Words are among the most hurtful, harmful things. Words can create one of the most excruciating forms of torture. It's words that lower a person's self esteem. It's words that makes people begin to hate themselves. It's words, and the psychological torment that they inflict, that drives a person to take their own life.
Recently, I had somebody tell me that another person is a waste of my effort, because they made me sad. And that killed me. As much as I miss that person's friendship and as much as it hurts me to not be able to talk to them anymore, that person will never ever be wasted effort or time.
Very few people are a waste of time, or space, or effort. You should never tell anybody that they are, unless you have a legitimate to reason to say so. Disliking somebody is not a legitimate reason. Somebody being a jerk is not a legitimate reason. Somebody disappointing you is not a legitimate reason.
Never ever say that a person is a waste of time, effort, or space. Nobody should ever have to endure the psychological torture that is hating yourself and still trying to live with yourself. People use those terms like its no big deal. They don't realize the potential those words have for harming a person.
As a person who has hated herself, and has seen countless friends hate themselves, this topic is something that is so important to me. I've had friends kill themselves; I've had friends try to kill themselves; I've talked too many people out of killing themselves than I ever thought I could. Each one of these people were important and are important and will always be important, regardless of whether or not they have taken their life and have been gone for weeks, or months, or years. Every single one of those suicides that ended up taking place, all of those people that are still living despite their effort to take their own lives, and those people that are still convinced that they are worthless, are worth every single bit of pain I've felt on their behalf and every second spent trying to show them otherwise. All of the sleepless nights, all of the tears, all of the heartache. They were and are worth it. Despite all that, however, each of these people believed that they were actually a waste of space and time and that is the thing that connects all of the suicides and attempted suicides and suicidal thoughts that I have been affected by.
In the summer of 2012, I went to Fairbanks for the six week Rural Alaskan Honors Institute college preparatory program. There I met two people who are still involved heavily in my life. One of these people was my roommate, Natalie, and the other is my best friend, Miriah.
The first time I encountered suicide was when Miriah texted me one night (this was after RAHI ended) and told me she was thinking about killing herself. At the time she was going through a lot and sincerely thought that she wasn't worth much. I can't tell you how many times I sat up all night, texting her and talking to her so that she wouldn't do anything. Every night this happened, she would tell me about how she's not worth much and that people would be better off without her. It was heart breaking to hear because Miriah is closer to me than any other person ever has. She knows what I'm thinking before I do and knows me better than I know myself. She's shown me, in the few years I've known her, how to be myself and how to live and breath and be happy and comfortable with being me. Together we've struggled through each others mental issues and emotional impairments. We've had our hearts broken, we've had disagreements, hurt each other, and had times where we just didn't talk. She is my rock, the sweet to my tea, and my saving grace and the idea of living a life without her kills me.
For a time I couldn't convince her of any of this. She legitimately believed that she was a waste of time and space. She believed that her family and friends would be happier if she was not around to be a burden on them. Now things are infinitely better, but that entire span of time will never be less heartbreaking.
Natalie was, and is, like my sister. She texted me one night, just to say goodbye. I found out, after hours of prying, that she was going to kill herself, because her boyfriend had hurt her in such a cruel and unforgiving way. She was in love with him, and he knew it, and exploited it. He used her feelings for his own sick, twisted idea of entertainment. That night, I stayed up with her. I tried calling, but she would only text. I sat there and told her about how much she meant to me. See, Nat taught me how to box, cuss, fight, stand up for myself, and how to not let anybody walk over me. She taught me how to drink coffee properly, how to be tough, and how to be a stronger me. She was like a big sister. And the night that she said goodbye, I tried to convince her of it but she didn't believe it.
Once again, I was told by the person on the other end of the phone that she wasn't worth the space, time, or effort. I was told that people would be happier with her gone. I was told that she was worthless and that she didn't deserve to live because of the enormous waste she was.
After hours of arguing, she asked me for a favor. I told her I'd do anything for her and she told me that her boyfriend was going to kill himself too and she wanted me to try to stop him.
I already hated him. From the day I met him I disliked him and he disliked me. But then this happened and my big sister was about to kill herself because of him. I didn't know what else to do except try to do what she asked, in the hope that she wouldn't try to kill herself if he didn't.
She sent me his phone number and, after another hour or so, stopped texting back. I tried calling her, messaging people I knew she was friends with, and my dad called the Suicide Prevention line at UAF for me. But there was nothing for the next four hours.
That night, I didn't sleep. I stayed up the rest of the night with her boyfriend. I never told him who I was, or why I was trying to talk him out of suicide and, the entire time, I hated myself for helping him and for not letting him die. Eventually I convinced him that, even though he felt like the POS that he is, it wasn't worth taking his own life when he could try to move on and improve himself as a human being. After that, I told him never to contact me again and I have never heard of or from him since, which is exactly how I'd like to keep it.
At around 4am, my phone lit up. I saw it was Natalie and, heart-in-throat, opened the message.
"Beka, I love you. Be good. Goodbye, love."
And then silence.
Absolute, deadly, heartbreaking silence.
One of my best friends was gone, and I had just helped to save the person who caused that to happen. I tried called the Suicide Prevention hotline, but they told me that people had already contacted them about her. For hours and hours I sat awake and felt like I was going crazy because my big sister had just killed herself. It wasn't until the afternoon of the next day that I heard anything.
I got a text, from Natalie's number, and absolutely terrified, opened it.
"Beka, they got me. They're taking me to the hospital now. I'm sorry. I tried. I love you."
After that encounter with suicide, I decided that no matter how well I knew a person, or how much I hated a person, I would try to prevent their suicide if I could. Since then I've talked countless people out of suicide and tried and failed with others. Suicide prevention is a topic that very quickly became a passion of mine. I'm not very outspoken about it in person, but I do as much as I possibly can to actively prevent it.
Suicide is a topic that a lot of people turn away from or whisper about. It isn't talked about enough, or fought against hard enough. It's kind of a taboo subject and that fact sincerely bothers me. Another part of the topic of suicide is that it's thought of as a selfish act, when it reality, the people that go through with it are doing so in the hopes that other peoples' lives will be improved for it. It's more selfless than anything else, as far as I have personally experienced.
Rather than trying to help people that are at risk of suicide, we tell them that they have mental issues, or ignore them, or say that they're doing it for attention in an effort to convince ourselves that the problem isn't as bad as it really seems.
People, please. Try to help people. Try to build peoples' self confidence and self worth. Don't even tell a person that they are a waste of time, space, or effort, because that will very rarely ever be true. If nothing else, be aware that words do in fact cause serious damage if said to the wrong people. Most of the time, you'll never even be able to tell the people who are fine from the people who already hate themselves. Regardless, "You're a waste of my breath," or, "This world would be better without you," or, "They're not worth the effort," is something that should never be said. People are worth more than revenge, or the satisfaction of insults, or the lessened pain you'd feel by trying to dismiss them from your mind. Please put in the effort, and the time, to convince them that they aren't a waste of space.
This is a post I've been wanting to write for a long time now, and I haven't really been able to properly express my feelings on this subject. Even after having spent nearly four hours on this post I don't feel completely satisfied or like I've really covered the topic as much as I wished, but it's a start. Suicide is something that I'd like to become very outspoken and active in preventing. I would like to begin raising awareness to this subject that is killing people daily, all over the world, unnecessarily. I'm not expecting this post to really change the way people talk or think, or change how people act towards at risk people. I'm just tired of people I care about ending their lives, or trying to, because they feel that the rest of the world would be better off without them. I'm tired of having to convince people that they are important and not a waste of a life. While every second that I have spent getting to this point has been painful, it's been worth it and I honestly don't mind growing even more tired if it means making some effort to stop people from taking their own lives. And that is why I wrote this.
Also, thanks to Jef Nelson, I have an ending to this post because I don't know how to end things.
jkaefhrieKJAWDHghfkjfshklhawesLEFHADU!?
CARELINES:
Anchorage
(907) 258-7575
1-800-478-7575
(907) 563-3200
Fairbanks
(907) 452-HELP (4357)
1-877-266-HELP (4357)
Kenai
(907) 283-7511
Ketchikan
(907) 225-4135
Wasilla
(907) 376-2411
http://www.suicide.org/suicide-hotlines.html
You are not alone.
They tell us that words can never hurt us. I disagree. Words are among the most hurtful, harmful things. Words can create one of the most excruciating forms of torture. It's words that lower a person's self esteem. It's words that makes people begin to hate themselves. It's words, and the psychological torment that they inflict, that drives a person to take their own life.
Recently, I had somebody tell me that another person is a waste of my effort, because they made me sad. And that killed me. As much as I miss that person's friendship and as much as it hurts me to not be able to talk to them anymore, that person will never ever be wasted effort or time.
Very few people are a waste of time, or space, or effort. You should never tell anybody that they are, unless you have a legitimate to reason to say so. Disliking somebody is not a legitimate reason. Somebody being a jerk is not a legitimate reason. Somebody disappointing you is not a legitimate reason.
Never ever say that a person is a waste of time, effort, or space. Nobody should ever have to endure the psychological torture that is hating yourself and still trying to live with yourself. People use those terms like its no big deal. They don't realize the potential those words have for harming a person.
As a person who has hated herself, and has seen countless friends hate themselves, this topic is something that is so important to me. I've had friends kill themselves; I've had friends try to kill themselves; I've talked too many people out of killing themselves than I ever thought I could. Each one of these people were important and are important and will always be important, regardless of whether or not they have taken their life and have been gone for weeks, or months, or years. Every single one of those suicides that ended up taking place, all of those people that are still living despite their effort to take their own lives, and those people that are still convinced that they are worthless, are worth every single bit of pain I've felt on their behalf and every second spent trying to show them otherwise. All of the sleepless nights, all of the tears, all of the heartache. They were and are worth it. Despite all that, however, each of these people believed that they were actually a waste of space and time and that is the thing that connects all of the suicides and attempted suicides and suicidal thoughts that I have been affected by.
In the summer of 2012, I went to Fairbanks for the six week Rural Alaskan Honors Institute college preparatory program. There I met two people who are still involved heavily in my life. One of these people was my roommate, Natalie, and the other is my best friend, Miriah.
The first time I encountered suicide was when Miriah texted me one night (this was after RAHI ended) and told me she was thinking about killing herself. At the time she was going through a lot and sincerely thought that she wasn't worth much. I can't tell you how many times I sat up all night, texting her and talking to her so that she wouldn't do anything. Every night this happened, she would tell me about how she's not worth much and that people would be better off without her. It was heart breaking to hear because Miriah is closer to me than any other person ever has. She knows what I'm thinking before I do and knows me better than I know myself. She's shown me, in the few years I've known her, how to be myself and how to live and breath and be happy and comfortable with being me. Together we've struggled through each others mental issues and emotional impairments. We've had our hearts broken, we've had disagreements, hurt each other, and had times where we just didn't talk. She is my rock, the sweet to my tea, and my saving grace and the idea of living a life without her kills me.
For a time I couldn't convince her of any of this. She legitimately believed that she was a waste of time and space. She believed that her family and friends would be happier if she was not around to be a burden on them. Now things are infinitely better, but that entire span of time will never be less heartbreaking.
Natalie was, and is, like my sister. She texted me one night, just to say goodbye. I found out, after hours of prying, that she was going to kill herself, because her boyfriend had hurt her in such a cruel and unforgiving way. She was in love with him, and he knew it, and exploited it. He used her feelings for his own sick, twisted idea of entertainment. That night, I stayed up with her. I tried calling, but she would only text. I sat there and told her about how much she meant to me. See, Nat taught me how to box, cuss, fight, stand up for myself, and how to not let anybody walk over me. She taught me how to drink coffee properly, how to be tough, and how to be a stronger me. She was like a big sister. And the night that she said goodbye, I tried to convince her of it but she didn't believe it.
Once again, I was told by the person on the other end of the phone that she wasn't worth the space, time, or effort. I was told that people would be happier with her gone. I was told that she was worthless and that she didn't deserve to live because of the enormous waste she was.
After hours of arguing, she asked me for a favor. I told her I'd do anything for her and she told me that her boyfriend was going to kill himself too and she wanted me to try to stop him.
I already hated him. From the day I met him I disliked him and he disliked me. But then this happened and my big sister was about to kill herself because of him. I didn't know what else to do except try to do what she asked, in the hope that she wouldn't try to kill herself if he didn't.
She sent me his phone number and, after another hour or so, stopped texting back. I tried calling her, messaging people I knew she was friends with, and my dad called the Suicide Prevention line at UAF for me. But there was nothing for the next four hours.
That night, I didn't sleep. I stayed up the rest of the night with her boyfriend. I never told him who I was, or why I was trying to talk him out of suicide and, the entire time, I hated myself for helping him and for not letting him die. Eventually I convinced him that, even though he felt like the POS that he is, it wasn't worth taking his own life when he could try to move on and improve himself as a human being. After that, I told him never to contact me again and I have never heard of or from him since, which is exactly how I'd like to keep it.
At around 4am, my phone lit up. I saw it was Natalie and, heart-in-throat, opened the message.
"Beka, I love you. Be good. Goodbye, love."
And then silence.
Absolute, deadly, heartbreaking silence.
One of my best friends was gone, and I had just helped to save the person who caused that to happen. I tried called the Suicide Prevention hotline, but they told me that people had already contacted them about her. For hours and hours I sat awake and felt like I was going crazy because my big sister had just killed herself. It wasn't until the afternoon of the next day that I heard anything.
I got a text, from Natalie's number, and absolutely terrified, opened it.
"Beka, they got me. They're taking me to the hospital now. I'm sorry. I tried. I love you."
After that encounter with suicide, I decided that no matter how well I knew a person, or how much I hated a person, I would try to prevent their suicide if I could. Since then I've talked countless people out of suicide and tried and failed with others. Suicide prevention is a topic that very quickly became a passion of mine. I'm not very outspoken about it in person, but I do as much as I possibly can to actively prevent it.
Suicide is a topic that a lot of people turn away from or whisper about. It isn't talked about enough, or fought against hard enough. It's kind of a taboo subject and that fact sincerely bothers me. Another part of the topic of suicide is that it's thought of as a selfish act, when it reality, the people that go through with it are doing so in the hopes that other peoples' lives will be improved for it. It's more selfless than anything else, as far as I have personally experienced.
Rather than trying to help people that are at risk of suicide, we tell them that they have mental issues, or ignore them, or say that they're doing it for attention in an effort to convince ourselves that the problem isn't as bad as it really seems.
People, please. Try to help people. Try to build peoples' self confidence and self worth. Don't even tell a person that they are a waste of time, space, or effort, because that will very rarely ever be true. If nothing else, be aware that words do in fact cause serious damage if said to the wrong people. Most of the time, you'll never even be able to tell the people who are fine from the people who already hate themselves. Regardless, "You're a waste of my breath," or, "This world would be better without you," or, "They're not worth the effort," is something that should never be said. People are worth more than revenge, or the satisfaction of insults, or the lessened pain you'd feel by trying to dismiss them from your mind. Please put in the effort, and the time, to convince them that they aren't a waste of space.
This is a post I've been wanting to write for a long time now, and I haven't really been able to properly express my feelings on this subject. Even after having spent nearly four hours on this post I don't feel completely satisfied or like I've really covered the topic as much as I wished, but it's a start. Suicide is something that I'd like to become very outspoken and active in preventing. I would like to begin raising awareness to this subject that is killing people daily, all over the world, unnecessarily. I'm not expecting this post to really change the way people talk or think, or change how people act towards at risk people. I'm just tired of people I care about ending their lives, or trying to, because they feel that the rest of the world would be better off without them. I'm tired of having to convince people that they are important and not a waste of a life. While every second that I have spent getting to this point has been painful, it's been worth it and I honestly don't mind growing even more tired if it means making some effort to stop people from taking their own lives. And that is why I wrote this.
Also, thanks to Jef Nelson, I have an ending to this post because I don't know how to end things.
jkaefhrieKJAWDHghfkjfshklhawesLEFHADU!?
CARELINES:
Anchorage
(907) 258-7575
1-800-478-7575
(907) 563-3200
Fairbanks
(907) 452-HELP (4357)
1-877-266-HELP (4357)
Kenai
(907) 283-7511
Ketchikan
(907) 225-4135
Wasilla
(907) 376-2411
http://www.suicide.org/suicide-hotlines.html
You are not alone.
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